I've been homeschooling now for 14 years. When we started, like any homeschooling mom, I had never done it before (smile), and so we all kinda took blindly off into the wild blue yonder together. I had a 10th grader, 7th grader, kindergartener, and toddler (who mostly just made messes and required feeding and diaper changing in the midst of any instructional moment).
As hard as it was to make this life shift, my older sons had always been excellent students. Though I don't think they were ever homeschool fans, learning itself came easily to them. Number 3, we discovered in about 5th grade, has dyslexia. Despite my background in psychology, I knew little about learning disabilities and did not initially recognize the signs. Thankfully, a good friend did and helped me find the resources necessary to help him. He is an auditory learner who, as long as you pop something in his earbuds, is good to go. His study skills are fantastic, he takes copious, impeccably organized notes, and he actually completed a year of college while still in high school through dual enrollment at community college.
So far, so good.
Well, God saved the biggest challenge for last. My youngest son has severe dyslexia, auditory processing problems, short term memory deficits, and speech and language deficits. Thankfully again, the same good friend helped connect me to our school district's IEP team for privately placed pupils (homeschools are considered private schools), and the testing provided us with the diagnoses and suggestions for meeting educational goals. We've been working hard since, and with growing maturity and motivation he is becoming a partner in his education.
But here's the point of this post: what do you do when homeschooling doesn't look like what you expected?
I am, obviously, a book lover. No one else in my family is.
I love to talk about great books. No one else in my family does.
I love writing. Napes for anyone here (that's California talk. If you're not from Cali, you have my permission to try that word on your friends. Good luck with that.).
I love the whole process of school and learning. You get it....crickets in this family.
And now, down to ONE student in my classroom, that long ago toddler, now a freshman, with finally the opportunities to just savor the high school experience (high school years are my favorite to homeschool!)...this kid has the very hardest time with school. It's so hard for him, even with all the accommodations I've built into our homeschool life, that stress, tears, outbursts, meltdowns...all happen. Never does the child wake up and say, "I can't WAIT to work on that persuasive essay today!" "SO curious to find out what happens next in my lit book!" Nope. Never. Zilch. Nada. As I said, his maturity is bringing him to growing ownership of his education, he is frequently thankful that he is homeschooled, and he understands the importance of working hard....but it isn't easy for him and it's rarely fun.
Sometimes, I'm just bummed that the homeschool experience of, let's say, packing up books and sitting on the lawn at Balboa Park for a warm spring morning of reading has never appealed to my sons. No one's ever gotten excited about science experiments or field trips to reenactments of historical battles. Curriculum choices? I'll hear what they don't like. And no one ever wants to work ahead because they loooove the subject matter like I read about on any given homeschool forum I visit. We stopped participating in our homeschool's Class Day programs because my sons just never felt a connection with the other kids; mine didn't want to participate in Debate Club or Drama or Honor Society.
So there's a sense of loss that "I" don't echo with my kids. There's much I want to share that largely goes untransmitted to my next generation...is it lost forever? Will a college diploma signal "rich education" to any of them rather than "means to an end"? Will they ever want to participate in the Great Conversation?
I'm just kind of pensive about this today. I'm pretty sure many of you reading this can relate. Sometimes expectations are just...never gonna materialize. Sometimes life just looks really different than what you thought it would. It just does. And you're allowed to be bummed about that.
Ultimately, here's where I land: there is always silver lining in those darn clouds. There are some books that we all reference and discuss with fondness and understanding: To Kill a Mockingbird, Fahrenheit 451, Night (well, the freshman hasn't hit those books yet, but I'm sure they will impact him too). One really liked Les Miserables, another Oliver Twist. One has been forever marked by the French Revolution as portrayed in the movie version of A Tale of Two Cities. There are field trips that have etched positively on their memories: the Museum of Tolerance in Los Angeles, for example. There are historical figures who have inspired them. One is still fascinated with every bug that he encounters, leading to internet exploration on said insect. Another loves documentaries, following his trails of current interest. Sometimes, they have hit stretches during which they have been excited about a particular topic we're studying, and we have had great discussions on it; or, they stumbled on an issue they're curious or passionate about, and we explored it. So it hasn't always been groaning and discontent. And there are successes to cheer, progress we can point to, life lessons learned. Two are in college.
Best of all, I know, because I trust the Lord for all aspects of our homeschooling, that this is HIS design for our home education journey. HIS design for my own growth as a parent and as His child along the way. He didn't give me the most learning-challenged kid first, but last, when I DO have those four final years to focus on him alone. He gave me the "warm up" disability kid first, and showed me that learning connections are possible once we figure out individual learning style. I trust for all my sons that the books we read, the field trips we took, the issues we discussed, and who knows what other homeschooling aspects embedded in their minds and hearts....have all settled according to His plan for each of their purposes.
" 'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,' says the LORD. 'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts. For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven, and do not return there, but water the earth, and make it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.'" Isaiah 55:8-11
Father really does know best. And I'm good with that.
Tuesday, February 5, 2019
Thursday, January 24, 2019
Talking back to God, or, audacious Abram
"But Abram said, 'Lord GOD, what can You give me, since I am childless and the heir of my house is Eliezer of Damascus?' Abram continued, 'Look, You have given me no offspring, so a slave born in my house will be my heir.' " Genesis 15:2-3
You know, usually it's 15:1 that gets the attention in this first paragraph: "...the word of the LORD came to Abram in a vision: 'Don't be afraid, Abram. I am your shield and your exceedingly great reward.'" Spectacular, right? God speaks to a man with reassurance and divine promise of protection and blessing. Wow!
But Abram sounds a bit whiny. And, a bit forgetting to Whom he is speaking. Take his response apart:
"Lord GOD"--first, Abram, you've just addressed him as Almighty, Eternal, All-powerful YHWH, which should suffice to contradict your next phrase:
"what can You give me"--! What can You GIVE ME? Really, Abram? "Lord GOD, what can You give me..?"! Let's start with the breath in your lungs and work outward to, oh, sun/moon/stars, etc. I wasn't aware God had any limits to His provision for all the things that make our lives on this planet work.
"since I am childless, and the heir of my house is Eliezer of Damascus?"--oh, I see now, Abram. You look around at your circumstances and think God is defined by them. We've all been there, buddy. I can be there today in less than half a heartbeat. God gave you some pretty amazing promises, but right now your life doesn't look anything like them. You don't have any kids, for one thing, and yet God comes and basically says to you, 'Hey, don't be bummed out! It's gonna be so great!" I could tell you my circumstances that look nothing like God's promises to me, if you were hanging out on my living room couch right now. And I get it: your situation looked impossible. I've told God about how impossible my situation is alongside His promises too.
I'm starting to track with you, my friend.
"Look, You have given me no..." See, as much as I want to gape my jaws at this seeming audacity (who in his right mind says to God, 'Look here now..."?!), I get this too. All you see is what God hasn't seen to give you YET. You see the absence, not the potential. You see only what God hasn't given instead of all He has (like, protection in foreign lands, wealth, and victory against four kings and their armies just a few verses ago). If He can do all that, He can give you a child, too. Just because He hasn't yet doesn't mean He won't. Have to admit, I have an unfair advantage: I know the rest of your story, so I can pretty glibly tell you not to give up; it's harder to tell myself the same. I can also look at what God hasn't given me YET.
"offspring, so a slave born in my house will be my heir." Oh, Abram, we're really so much the same. We look at our lives and assume our current ingredients are all He has to work with. You thought Eliezer would have to be your heir because he was the only logical person you saw in your circle. It's like when a couple thousand years from you, Jesus will look at a little boy and a couple of disciples with fish and pita bread in their hands asking how can this feed 5,000 people? As if He has no other tricks in His bag for them...just like you think God has no other tricks in His bag for you. And (hanging my head), yep...just like me.
What's the really cool thing about how God answered your response, Abram? Yes, exactly! That He took you by the hand, walked you outside, showed you that sky and those stars that He'd already given you...and told you the story again of who you're gonna be--He promises. And you believed, and God counted it to you as righteousness. Believing Him that day saved your soul--and preached to Paul on the other side of the Bible from where your story is found.
Hey, let's go over here and look at the plaque on your wall, the one you got when you and Sarah were inducted into the Hall of Faith:
"By faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed and went out to a place he was going to receive as an inheritance. He went out, not knowing where he was going. By faith he stayed as a foreigner in the land of promise, living in tents with Isaac and Jacob, coheirs of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose architect and builder is God.
You know, usually it's 15:1 that gets the attention in this first paragraph: "...the word of the LORD came to Abram in a vision: 'Don't be afraid, Abram. I am your shield and your exceedingly great reward.'" Spectacular, right? God speaks to a man with reassurance and divine promise of protection and blessing. Wow!
But Abram sounds a bit whiny. And, a bit forgetting to Whom he is speaking. Take his response apart:
"Lord GOD"--first, Abram, you've just addressed him as Almighty, Eternal, All-powerful YHWH, which should suffice to contradict your next phrase:
"what can You give me"--! What can You GIVE ME? Really, Abram? "Lord GOD, what can You give me..?"! Let's start with the breath in your lungs and work outward to, oh, sun/moon/stars, etc. I wasn't aware God had any limits to His provision for all the things that make our lives on this planet work.
"since I am childless, and the heir of my house is Eliezer of Damascus?"--oh, I see now, Abram. You look around at your circumstances and think God is defined by them. We've all been there, buddy. I can be there today in less than half a heartbeat. God gave you some pretty amazing promises, but right now your life doesn't look anything like them. You don't have any kids, for one thing, and yet God comes and basically says to you, 'Hey, don't be bummed out! It's gonna be so great!" I could tell you my circumstances that look nothing like God's promises to me, if you were hanging out on my living room couch right now. And I get it: your situation looked impossible. I've told God about how impossible my situation is alongside His promises too.
I'm starting to track with you, my friend.
"Look, You have given me no..." See, as much as I want to gape my jaws at this seeming audacity (who in his right mind says to God, 'Look here now..."?!), I get this too. All you see is what God hasn't seen to give you YET. You see the absence, not the potential. You see only what God hasn't given instead of all He has (like, protection in foreign lands, wealth, and victory against four kings and their armies just a few verses ago). If He can do all that, He can give you a child, too. Just because He hasn't yet doesn't mean He won't. Have to admit, I have an unfair advantage: I know the rest of your story, so I can pretty glibly tell you not to give up; it's harder to tell myself the same. I can also look at what God hasn't given me YET.
"offspring, so a slave born in my house will be my heir." Oh, Abram, we're really so much the same. We look at our lives and assume our current ingredients are all He has to work with. You thought Eliezer would have to be your heir because he was the only logical person you saw in your circle. It's like when a couple thousand years from you, Jesus will look at a little boy and a couple of disciples with fish and pita bread in their hands asking how can this feed 5,000 people? As if He has no other tricks in His bag for them...just like you think God has no other tricks in His bag for you. And (hanging my head), yep...just like me.
What's the really cool thing about how God answered your response, Abram? Yes, exactly! That He took you by the hand, walked you outside, showed you that sky and those stars that He'd already given you...and told you the story again of who you're gonna be--He promises. And you believed, and God counted it to you as righteousness. Believing Him that day saved your soul--and preached to Paul on the other side of the Bible from where your story is found.
Hey, let's go over here and look at the plaque on your wall, the one you got when you and Sarah were inducted into the Hall of Faith:
"By faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed and went out to a place he was going to receive as an inheritance. He went out, not knowing where he was going. By faith he stayed as a foreigner in the land of promise, living in tents with Isaac and Jacob, coheirs of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose architect and builder is God.
By faith even Sarah herself, when she was unable to have children, received power to conceive offspring, even though she was past the age, since she considered that the One who had promised was faithful. Therefore from one man—in fact, from one as good as dead—came offspring as numerous as the stars of heaven and as innumerable as the grains of sand by the seashore." Hebrews 11:8-12
Abram, I kind of wanted to be upset with you when I read this passage this morning. To be honest, you sounded kind of sassy. But after sitting with you and getting inside your head a bit, I realize you're just plain folks. We all pass through seasons of this-is-all-I-can-see while we wait for what God says is coming.
I think our answer should be the same as yours: listen to God tell the story again, and--just believe it one more time.
Wednesday, January 23, 2019
Wednesday, Beatles, and no particular order
Today I loved homeschooling because:
Well, many reasons. First of all, it's Wednesday, which means we start an hour later. Tuesday night sees us at youth group, and because my one remaining student stays late to clean the church and then eat burritos with the youth pastor and several buddies, everything notches up an hour the next day. Hey, what's the use of homeschooling if you don't flex it when you can? Kid is a 15-year-old who sleeps and eats in pretty much equal timeframes. Insisting on an early start is dumb when it buys me a cranky teenager who falls asleep during history class. So, today I used that hour to walk with my neighbor, shower, and eat breakfast. Works for me.
Next, we got to take a 30-minute unplanned educational journey through the Beatles. Kid is a musician (drums, specifically) who loves documentaries and educational videos (because he is also a videographer). He asked, "That guy from the Beatles, Paul? I've been seeing him on some ads lately because he's touring. Who were all the guys in the band and when were they big?" ( I KNOW I KNOW keeping all the gasps and shrieks and horror behind my lips was a challenge!) But he was genuinely asking, and here was the perfect time for some music education. We watched their two sets from The Ed Sullivan Show and talked about why that was iconic, something that just needs to be part of my son's Great Conversation. How this was the beginning of the British Invasion and a vital milepost in the youth culture of the 60s. He identified each band member and asked about John Lennon's death, which he already knew a little about. He was particularly interested in Ringo, commenting that the drum kit he used is actually enviable because it was so solidly made. Then we segway-d over to Ringo's son Zac Starkey (who now drums for The Who, a band I could point to as also lining up in the British Invasion roll call) and watched a video of him. The drummer and inquirer in my son satisfied, we went on to school work.
Lastly, kid and I alternated between his independent work and the work we do together, which enabled me to run an errand (needed an immune-system herbal supplement for the cold that popped up IMMEDIATELY AFTER I finished the antibiotics for my strep throat *SIGH*) and even catch a 20 minute nap because of the misery of said cold. All the work got done, in no particular order. Works for me.
So, chalk this up as another day I loved the spontaneity, flexibility, and adventure of homeschooling. Thank You Jesus for it one more time!
Well, many reasons. First of all, it's Wednesday, which means we start an hour later. Tuesday night sees us at youth group, and because my one remaining student stays late to clean the church and then eat burritos with the youth pastor and several buddies, everything notches up an hour the next day. Hey, what's the use of homeschooling if you don't flex it when you can? Kid is a 15-year-old who sleeps and eats in pretty much equal timeframes. Insisting on an early start is dumb when it buys me a cranky teenager who falls asleep during history class. So, today I used that hour to walk with my neighbor, shower, and eat breakfast. Works for me.
Next, we got to take a 30-minute unplanned educational journey through the Beatles. Kid is a musician (drums, specifically) who loves documentaries and educational videos (because he is also a videographer). He asked, "That guy from the Beatles, Paul? I've been seeing him on some ads lately because he's touring. Who were all the guys in the band and when were they big?" ( I KNOW I KNOW keeping all the gasps and shrieks and horror behind my lips was a challenge!) But he was genuinely asking, and here was the perfect time for some music education. We watched their two sets from The Ed Sullivan Show and talked about why that was iconic, something that just needs to be part of my son's Great Conversation. How this was the beginning of the British Invasion and a vital milepost in the youth culture of the 60s. He identified each band member and asked about John Lennon's death, which he already knew a little about. He was particularly interested in Ringo, commenting that the drum kit he used is actually enviable because it was so solidly made. Then we segway-d over to Ringo's son Zac Starkey (who now drums for The Who, a band I could point to as also lining up in the British Invasion roll call) and watched a video of him. The drummer and inquirer in my son satisfied, we went on to school work.
Lastly, kid and I alternated between his independent work and the work we do together, which enabled me to run an errand (needed an immune-system herbal supplement for the cold that popped up IMMEDIATELY AFTER I finished the antibiotics for my strep throat *SIGH*) and even catch a 20 minute nap because of the misery of said cold. All the work got done, in no particular order. Works for me.
So, chalk this up as another day I loved the spontaneity, flexibility, and adventure of homeschooling. Thank You Jesus for it one more time!
Thursday, January 3, 2019
#happyhappyhappy
There were a couple of things about today (which isn't even over yet) that have just plain and simple made me happy.
1) I've had my phone shut off much of the day and haven't missed it. Yay!
2) I rode the glass elevator at the Central Library three times. Ok, you need to let me explain this for a minute. Our new (within the past five years maybe?) Central Library is gorgeous. The design is amazing, the skyline views from the full-window walls on the upper floors are breathtaking, the reading areas are cozy, the parking is a breeze (two-hour validation, baby). I could spend the whole day here and just be in my glory. But here's one of the best parts: one of the three elevators is glass! Something about this is just so cool to me. When I need to pick up a (homeschool) book here, my sons know that an inevitable part of the journey, even when the book is located on the first floor, is a ride on the glass elevator. Today I was by myself and rode it twice. JUST BECAUSE. I even unexpectedly rode it a third time bc I needed to use a restroom and was directed to the eighth floor by an employee. What do you know? GOD IS GOOD because both on the way up and the way down, although I was resigned to use whatever elevator opened first, the glass one was the one that opened! It's like it knew the delight this silly middle-aged woman gets from a 20-second ride. This entire experience made me #happyhappyhappy.
Added happy moment: I had to stop by the Pacific Beach library too, which is five blocks from the ocean. Although I didn't have time to drive by this makes-me-peaceful place of mine, I could see it, and it made me smile.
3) I went to Bath and Body Works with the generous gift card given to me by my oldest son and daughter in law for Christmas and made out huge due to their January sale. I even have a balance left on the card! I LOVE Bath and Body Works but only shop there when I have a gift card because, well, one-income budget. I am #happyhappyhappy to get in the shower before church tonight.
4) I made chickpea caesar tacos for lunch with THE most amazing sauce. Again, just #happyhappyhappy.
5) I took all the Christmas ornaments off the tree, organized them, and uncluttered the bin we keep them in. Next December we are going to open up the bin and I am going to be so pleased with myself. The tree is now outside, awaiting its decimation by my husband and eventual (because that's what rednecks do, smile) burning in the firepit. (WHY can't we just recycle it like everyone else? I don't know. I just don't know.)
There are still about six hours left before I head to bed with my book, but this day has been an incredible winner so far. And when simple things make your heart light and free and joyful, you should treasure them...and you should write them down.
1) I've had my phone shut off much of the day and haven't missed it. Yay!
2) I rode the glass elevator at the Central Library three times. Ok, you need to let me explain this for a minute. Our new (within the past five years maybe?) Central Library is gorgeous. The design is amazing, the skyline views from the full-window walls on the upper floors are breathtaking, the reading areas are cozy, the parking is a breeze (two-hour validation, baby). I could spend the whole day here and just be in my glory. But here's one of the best parts: one of the three elevators is glass! Something about this is just so cool to me. When I need to pick up a (homeschool) book here, my sons know that an inevitable part of the journey, even when the book is located on the first floor, is a ride on the glass elevator. Today I was by myself and rode it twice. JUST BECAUSE. I even unexpectedly rode it a third time bc I needed to use a restroom and was directed to the eighth floor by an employee. What do you know? GOD IS GOOD because both on the way up and the way down, although I was resigned to use whatever elevator opened first, the glass one was the one that opened! It's like it knew the delight this silly middle-aged woman gets from a 20-second ride. This entire experience made me #happyhappyhappy.
Added happy moment: I had to stop by the Pacific Beach library too, which is five blocks from the ocean. Although I didn't have time to drive by this makes-me-peaceful place of mine, I could see it, and it made me smile.
3) I went to Bath and Body Works with the generous gift card given to me by my oldest son and daughter in law for Christmas and made out huge due to their January sale. I even have a balance left on the card! I LOVE Bath and Body Works but only shop there when I have a gift card because, well, one-income budget. I am #happyhappyhappy to get in the shower before church tonight.
4) I made chickpea caesar tacos for lunch with THE most amazing sauce. Again, just #happyhappyhappy.
5) I took all the Christmas ornaments off the tree, organized them, and uncluttered the bin we keep them in. Next December we are going to open up the bin and I am going to be so pleased with myself. The tree is now outside, awaiting its decimation by my husband and eventual (because that's what rednecks do, smile) burning in the firepit. (WHY can't we just recycle it like everyone else? I don't know. I just don't know.)
There are still about six hours left before I head to bed with my book, but this day has been an incredible winner so far. And when simple things make your heart light and free and joyful, you should treasure them...and you should write them down.
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
Soooooo January 1
Sooooo January One, here you are. I was pretty excited to open my eyes to you this morning. I grabbed my coffee (always my coffee) and read Matthew 1-12, which took me about an hour and a half with jotting down verses and thoughts. I'm going to do my usual 90-days-through-the-Bible to start my year. I deleted my Instagram for the Five Nights of Prayer that my church does every year, and signed out of Facebook. I have even had my phone shut off much of the day. Did some housework, went through the pile of papers on the kitchen table, put some stuffed peppers in the crockpot, and started re-reading "12 Ways Your Phone is Changing You" by Tony Reinke. And that brings me here.
I actually just finished reading this book, and while I wouldn't normally come anywhere near anything titled "___ ways to" or "___ keys to" or anything else of that nature, b/c usually those are full of secular (even within the church), look what I the author thought up that definitively defines whatever the subject matter is, limited knowledge. BUT this book was highlighted on the social media site of a Christian author/hip-hop artist/speaker who I really admire, and then followed by her 30 days of social media sabbatical, which is understandably unusual for someone who has a new book and recent album to sell. And I have found this book to be authentic, encouraging, convicting, and challenging. I read it knowing I would take its information into my new year and one of my big goals for 2019: redefining my relationship with my cell phone. So I'm slowly reading it again and taking the time to let it make a difference in me.
Here are my thoughts for the chapters I covered today:
I (we) need to completely rewire my (our) brain(s). I have become, over the past 7 years since my first iPhone, so attention-deficit. I am so distractable, so re-programmed to think in these few-minute chunks of other people's lives, that I have to re-learn how to think and work and talk through a day. I have to re-learn how to listen to people and to Jesus, to watch the day go from sunrise to sunset and call it good.
I have to "build a wall" LOL around what matters most in my life. I wouldn't let random acquaintances, or even good friends, interrupt me and my family by walking into my house for 15-second conversations throughout the day and night...but I do. I need to guard my mind, my work, my family, my rest.
I need to re-learn how to follow thoughts through to the end of them. I start hundreds of thoughts a day, thoughts God might like to journey along with me to completion, to comprehension, to insight, to revelation, to life-change....but I easily discard them for the tyranny of the urgent ("Squirrel!") when I remember I need to send a message or respond to one or check how many likes my most recent post got (did so-and-so see it yet?).
I need to re-learn...to learn. I can read more. I can watch documentaries, go to quality movies, listen to podcasts (yes, using my phone) or audiobooks.
I need to re-learn how to be present and in person. I realized yesterday that I so resist making phone calls...but isn't that what life used to be? Conversations, spoken words, hearing others' tones of voices, making real connections. I too easily shoot off short get-it-done texts rather than in person entering into people's lives and caring and responding and exchanging feelings, knowledge, laughter.
I need to re-learn how to be alone. To sit, walk, whatever...ok with silence and aloneness. I am indeed an introvert, and I do have alone time in my days, but after a certain amount of time, I'm restless. Uncomfortable. I need to be comfortable and content with knowing who I am, what I like, and doing so alone...especially as I'm in the home stretch of this parenting thing (sniff).
There's a lot of work involved in all this re-wiring, but I know it is soooo worth it. It's reclaiming my life, back to what I referenced yesterday: feeling my days to be peaceable and pleasant.
So worth it. Ready.
I actually just finished reading this book, and while I wouldn't normally come anywhere near anything titled "___ ways to" or "___ keys to" or anything else of that nature, b/c usually those are full of secular (even within the church), look what I the author thought up that definitively defines whatever the subject matter is, limited knowledge. BUT this book was highlighted on the social media site of a Christian author/hip-hop artist/speaker who I really admire, and then followed by her 30 days of social media sabbatical, which is understandably unusual for someone who has a new book and recent album to sell. And I have found this book to be authentic, encouraging, convicting, and challenging. I read it knowing I would take its information into my new year and one of my big goals for 2019: redefining my relationship with my cell phone. So I'm slowly reading it again and taking the time to let it make a difference in me.
Here are my thoughts for the chapters I covered today:
I (we) need to completely rewire my (our) brain(s). I have become, over the past 7 years since my first iPhone, so attention-deficit. I am so distractable, so re-programmed to think in these few-minute chunks of other people's lives, that I have to re-learn how to think and work and talk through a day. I have to re-learn how to listen to people and to Jesus, to watch the day go from sunrise to sunset and call it good.
I have to "build a wall" LOL around what matters most in my life. I wouldn't let random acquaintances, or even good friends, interrupt me and my family by walking into my house for 15-second conversations throughout the day and night...but I do. I need to guard my mind, my work, my family, my rest.
I need to re-learn how to follow thoughts through to the end of them. I start hundreds of thoughts a day, thoughts God might like to journey along with me to completion, to comprehension, to insight, to revelation, to life-change....but I easily discard them for the tyranny of the urgent ("Squirrel!") when I remember I need to send a message or respond to one or check how many likes my most recent post got (did so-and-so see it yet?).
I need to re-learn...to learn. I can read more. I can watch documentaries, go to quality movies, listen to podcasts (yes, using my phone) or audiobooks.
I need to re-learn how to be present and in person. I realized yesterday that I so resist making phone calls...but isn't that what life used to be? Conversations, spoken words, hearing others' tones of voices, making real connections. I too easily shoot off short get-it-done texts rather than in person entering into people's lives and caring and responding and exchanging feelings, knowledge, laughter.
I need to re-learn how to be alone. To sit, walk, whatever...ok with silence and aloneness. I am indeed an introvert, and I do have alone time in my days, but after a certain amount of time, I'm restless. Uncomfortable. I need to be comfortable and content with knowing who I am, what I like, and doing so alone...especially as I'm in the home stretch of this parenting thing (sniff).
There's a lot of work involved in all this re-wiring, but I know it is soooo worth it. It's reclaiming my life, back to what I referenced yesterday: feeling my days to be peaceable and pleasant.
So worth it. Ready.
Monday, December 31, 2018
2018 reflections
It’s been awhile since I wrote just to write. I’ve been polishing up the book and preparing to publish it, and haven’t had the time or the leading to just write out thoughts and feelings. But the last day of the year has a way of provoking reflection, so here I am.
2018 was one of the most difficult years I’ve had in about a decade. It felt lonely, cold, exasperating, weary, and many times hopeless. I struggled big time with anxiety. Weird, right? You probably wouldn’t have thought those things about me if you’d seen me on any given day this year, or done life with me as one of my close friends or family members. But it has been sooooo hard.
YET, it has also brought goodness, because that’s what God does. For one thing, we have a ROW on Sunday mornings! All my sons and my daughters in law sit with me, and it took me about a month to get to the point where that didn’t make me cry during worship as I basked in it. I love my family so much, and a mama is especially blessed when she gets that kind of time--church time!--with her grown kids (only one isn’t an adult, and I’m keeping it that way for as long as possible thankyouverymuch).
Secondly, those boys and one daughter in law are all on the worship team, so any given Sunday sees any given combination up there leading us in worship. Now see, every time I pore over the fact that God gave me AN ENTIRE WORSHIP TEAM I do still have trouble not puddling up.
One son says I’m too emotional. Maybe. But. oh. Well. I get to be.
Third, I’m pretty sure the only two things between now and a published book are the foreword, which my senior pastor agreed to write, and the book cover, which our youth pastor is going to shoot and put together. That’s another really amazing thing to come out of this year.
Fourth, I’ve adopted a healthier lifestyle than I’ve had in years. I’m pretty darn active for a #forever49 mom of four, walking three times a week with my neighbor (a 3-mile route), hiking with my teenager for PE credits, and hitting the gym when walking isn’t an option. I went plant-based (read: vegan, without all the cultural connotations) in mid-July and have lost 15 pounds. I haven’t weighed this since before Son #3. I know God holds the number of my days in His hands, but I feel like I’ve made responsible choices this year to do what I can to be healthy for the years ahead...which hopefully, someday, maybe, they-better will bring me grandkids. I’ve also broken the cycle of slowly creeping 40s-50s weight gain. When most of the weight-pounding food is no longer an option, surprise! The pounds don’t progress.
Lastly, I’ve read less Scripture but grown more deeply in it. Still, after 23 ½ years of reading my Bible daily, it is the reason I get out of bed (well, and for coffee. Taken together, a perfect match.) and I can’t imagine starting my day any other way. I’ve just read slower and journaled more. Somewhere along the year I even stopped tracking my progress; I usually note how many times through I read in a year, what translations, the dates I start and finish, etc. I think I read one full time through, the NT a few times, I can’t remember. And that’s actually a good thing for this obsessive former legalist.
And through the difficulties of the year, circumstances that have stretched me so so far, all the hard emotions...God has once again proven completely faithful. I mean, I’m here Dec 31 once again, right? “Thus far hath the Lord helped us” said Samuel, and I give him an Amen.
What’s up for next year? No idea. BUT I think it’s gonna be good. AND I think I’m going to grow in new ways. I’m excited to see what’s going to further develop in my family, I’m praying some friends will come to know Christ, and oh yeah, I’m publishing a book! I’m curious to see how God grows me in ministry and am asking Him to give me a heart for and a mouth for the service of the book.
I also want to climb mountains (ok, mountains is a relative term...big hills, more like it). Maybe one a month, starting with Cowles. For me, it takes bravery to do hikes/trails beyond 5 miles round trip, and I want to challenge myself in this area. I also want to get my website going. Write more often, like this. And break up with my cell phone. And spend more time watching the sky, and trees, and just ordinary things happening around me. I want to have in-person lunches and movie dates with people. I want to take a road trip with my family this summer FOR REAL.
I want my relationship with Christ to operate out of His love instead of my fears and failures. Grace--what does that really mean, I want to grasp it and own it and live in it. He has more than enough for me, I know.
I want to listen more to my days and simplify my home and feel peace at the end of a quiet, hardworking day. I remember when we first moved into this house 29 years ago next month, and how my days with a toddler son were peaceful and pleasant; my house was clean and my head was uncluttered and I felt satisfied, complete. Yes, I had a demanding full time job and long commute, but what I remember is peaceful and pleasant, not stressed and busy. Perhaps more than anything else, I want to reclaim that life experience, and I think more time in nature, more time writing, more time listening my way through life, more time talking and doing things face to face with the people I love, less time living electronically, and having a clean simple house….are the keys.
So I guess all these are my goals for the year ahead. I will need some kind of acronym or verse to help anchor me through the year with all of this.
It’s 4:30 now and I’ve been writing for an hour, but I needed this to help me wrap up my year and be ready for tomorrow morning. Now it’s up and at-em for burritos for my meat-eaters and tofu sofritas crunchwrap for me.
Life’s good, and there’s time for it all. Goodbye 2018….hello 2019. I’m ready for you. Let’s walk into it!
Monday, June 19, 2017
BOOK REVIEW: The Maggie Bright
World War II historical fiction has been done, done, and done again...but Tracy Groot does it in a refreshing and interesting manner. Her new novel, The Maggie Bright, introduces us to a unique cast of characters with a vested interest in a little yacht--one that ends up playing a big part in the Dunkirk rescue of British soldiers.
The novel's main character, Clare Childs, loves the yacht she didn't expect to inherit. She dreams of going around the world in it, in fact. However, her simple and somewhat lonely world is rocked when she meets some unusual characters and learns of the heroic history her yacht already possesses. Soon, she will learn that The Maggie Bright has another appointment with destiny...and that dreams can come true in ways we don't plan.
This is a sweet story demonstrating that when good people act, evil can be thwarted...one small ship at a time.
I received this book free of charge from Tyndale Publishing Company in exchange for a fair review.
To learn more about the author, go here.
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