It’s been awhile since I wrote just to write. I’ve been polishing up the book and preparing to publish it, and haven’t had the time or the leading to just write out thoughts and feelings. But the last day of the year has a way of provoking reflection, so here I am.
2018 was one of the most difficult years I’ve had in about a decade. It felt lonely, cold, exasperating, weary, and many times hopeless. I struggled big time with anxiety. Weird, right? You probably wouldn’t have thought those things about me if you’d seen me on any given day this year, or done life with me as one of my close friends or family members. But it has been sooooo hard.
YET, it has also brought goodness, because that’s what God does. For one thing, we have a ROW on Sunday mornings! All my sons and my daughters in law sit with me, and it took me about a month to get to the point where that didn’t make me cry during worship as I basked in it. I love my family so much, and a mama is especially blessed when she gets that kind of time--church time!--with her grown kids (only one isn’t an adult, and I’m keeping it that way for as long as possible thankyouverymuch).
Secondly, those boys and one daughter in law are all on the worship team, so any given Sunday sees any given combination up there leading us in worship. Now see, every time I pore over the fact that God gave me AN ENTIRE WORSHIP TEAM I do still have trouble not puddling up.
One son says I’m too emotional. Maybe. But. oh. Well. I get to be.
Third, I’m pretty sure the only two things between now and a published book are the foreword, which my senior pastor agreed to write, and the book cover, which our youth pastor is going to shoot and put together. That’s another really amazing thing to come out of this year.
Fourth, I’ve adopted a healthier lifestyle than I’ve had in years. I’m pretty darn active for a #forever49 mom of four, walking three times a week with my neighbor (a 3-mile route), hiking with my teenager for PE credits, and hitting the gym when walking isn’t an option. I went plant-based (read: vegan, without all the cultural connotations) in mid-July and have lost 15 pounds. I haven’t weighed this since before Son #3. I know God holds the number of my days in His hands, but I feel like I’ve made responsible choices this year to do what I can to be healthy for the years ahead...which hopefully, someday, maybe, they-better will bring me grandkids. I’ve also broken the cycle of slowly creeping 40s-50s weight gain. When most of the weight-pounding food is no longer an option, surprise! The pounds don’t progress.
Lastly, I’ve read less Scripture but grown more deeply in it. Still, after 23 ½ years of reading my Bible daily, it is the reason I get out of bed (well, and for coffee. Taken together, a perfect match.) and I can’t imagine starting my day any other way. I’ve just read slower and journaled more. Somewhere along the year I even stopped tracking my progress; I usually note how many times through I read in a year, what translations, the dates I start and finish, etc. I think I read one full time through, the NT a few times, I can’t remember. And that’s actually a good thing for this obsessive former legalist.
And through the difficulties of the year, circumstances that have stretched me so so far, all the hard emotions...God has once again proven completely faithful. I mean, I’m here Dec 31 once again, right? “Thus far hath the Lord helped us” said Samuel, and I give him an Amen.
What’s up for next year? No idea. BUT I think it’s gonna be good. AND I think I’m going to grow in new ways. I’m excited to see what’s going to further develop in my family, I’m praying some friends will come to know Christ, and oh yeah, I’m publishing a book! I’m curious to see how God grows me in ministry and am asking Him to give me a heart for and a mouth for the service of the book.
I also want to climb mountains (ok, mountains is a relative term...big hills, more like it). Maybe one a month, starting with Cowles. For me, it takes bravery to do hikes/trails beyond 5 miles round trip, and I want to challenge myself in this area. I also want to get my website going. Write more often, like this. And break up with my cell phone. And spend more time watching the sky, and trees, and just ordinary things happening around me. I want to have in-person lunches and movie dates with people. I want to take a road trip with my family this summer FOR REAL.
I want my relationship with Christ to operate out of His love instead of my fears and failures. Grace--what does that really mean, I want to grasp it and own it and live in it. He has more than enough for me, I know.
I want to listen more to my days and simplify my home and feel peace at the end of a quiet, hardworking day. I remember when we first moved into this house 29 years ago next month, and how my days with a toddler son were peaceful and pleasant; my house was clean and my head was uncluttered and I felt satisfied, complete. Yes, I had a demanding full time job and long commute, but what I remember is peaceful and pleasant, not stressed and busy. Perhaps more than anything else, I want to reclaim that life experience, and I think more time in nature, more time writing, more time listening my way through life, more time talking and doing things face to face with the people I love, less time living electronically, and having a clean simple house….are the keys.
So I guess all these are my goals for the year ahead. I will need some kind of acronym or verse to help anchor me through the year with all of this.
It’s 4:30 now and I’ve been writing for an hour, but I needed this to help me wrap up my year and be ready for tomorrow morning. Now it’s up and at-em for burritos for my meat-eaters and tofu sofritas crunchwrap for me.
Life’s good, and there’s time for it all. Goodbye 2018….hello 2019. I’m ready for you. Let’s walk into it!
